10 years ago

This post is different.

Its not about the joys of mommy-hood, but the sorrow of real life.

Its about memories, and grief, and saying goodbye.

Unfortunately, its not about Little Guy at all.

10 years ago (has it really been that long) my world changed forever.  I said goodbye to my mom that day.

How do you say goodbye to your mom?  How is it that I can no longer call her on the phone on my way home, asking how her day was?  Why can't I call her to ask her how to make spaghetti sauce, or biscuits, or any of the other foods that she made when I was growing up?

Why wasn't she around when I met my now husband, so share my joy, giggles, excitement, and hope?  My wedding pictures have a missing person, someone who should have stood by me.

And when we announced I was pregnant, she should have been one of the first calls, should have waited excitedly for news after each of my appointments, been at the hospital when Little Guy was born.

But...10 years ago my world changed forever.

I have lots of memories of her, helping with Girl Scouts, making blueberry muffins for breakfast, coming to school to eat lunch with me, helping with colorguard, visiting her at work, going home after I moved out just to do laundry, helping me set up my first classroom.

I also have memories of the last few days.  Calling home to ask if I could come over for dinner, to find out she had collapsed and an ambulance was on the way.  Her sleepily telling us that her right foot was attacking her left foot, as it would not stop twitching.  Moments of hope, followed by none.  Calling my best friend and telling her that my mom was going to die.  Making hard decisions as a family for the sake of one we loved so deeply.  Being in the room at the end, saying goodbye.

Crying in church two days later at a prayer for my mom.  A memorial service, where the church was filled with people whose lives my mom had touched.  A small service at the cemetery, with just family.  Greeting my first graders after being gone for a week and one of them asking if my mom was still dead.

Life still moves on.  New memories are created.  Other people came into my life.  But she is still missing.

I love you, Mom!